Speechless

With nothing to say
Losing her way
She realizes the day
When she threw her dreams away
Reality sank in and she finally noticed
Life is a drug
She is addicted
Without it, she will die
Life is a drug
She is addicted
With it, she may never fly
She keeps lying
Telling the world, she does not need it
But the world is the only place
Where she can make her petty existence
In the nighttime
She may smile and be free
For the world transfigures
It changes for few to See
It is a place
where beautiful people
May be free
But hatred hangs in the air
It was going to be sunshine
But I know she liked night better
It was gonna be love
But I know hate feels easier
So with no more words to utter,
No more remarks to give
She slowly slipped into the darkness
Finally breaking an addiction
That took over her very being
An addiction that has disgusted her for so long
She stepped away
From a life, that she no longer controlled
She screamed for the pain
But it never came
She was finally free
This is the girl
Who I want to be
This is the girl
Who's story I tell
The only girl, who broke the addiction
Without, breaking her spirit

Life is a drug
I am addicted
Without it, I would die
Life is a drug
I am addicted
With it I can never fly
It was going be sunshine
It was going to be love
But I like night better
And hate felt mnore reliable

Time

We always think "all the time in the world"
"Yeah that's right I got all the time in the world"
But what do we have?
When everyone is claiming all of worlds time?
Thinking, it'll get better let it play out
Sitting back passively never taking a hold
Never just letting go and doing what we want
Never speaking how we feel
Thinking, okay now I'm gonna run out of this room across the world
But instead sitting there thinking some other time
I got all the time in the world
Yet people walk by taking that time from you, leaving you with nothing but seconds
and some people steal the time from themselves
When all the time in the world just runs around
wasting not one single glance at who needs it most
Time is stolen, never given
Time is taken, never shared
Time is never there, when one needs it most
Time isn't there for those who need something to hold on to
time is there for the people who throw it around
Like nothing at all
Time has no heart or soul
It believes not in anything but freedom
Never contained
The world has tried
People have held on and done maniacal things
Just to keep time in a glass, near the heart
Willing for love and their name to live on
But time is like white out on a page
Erasing everything that has ever existed, from this world
Into another world where nothing has control
A world that does not believe in hours and seconds
But this world relies on nothing, but the control that time has
This world, is all about, having all the time
When truly we have nothing but the sand blowing out of our hands

What do you do when someone needs your help.
You hold out your hand calling their name.
They come and prepare, tell you the world.
And you have nothing to say...
In your mind a million things run
One at a time
Taking turns trying to come out
But what do you say, when you have no clue why
How do you help someone, when you yourself are lost
I have 2 hands to give but no words to speak
I stand here silent out in the cold
Slowly freezing but I won't let go
I am here, forever more
Never giving up on these people
Who just need a hand to hold

Goodbye

I think this is it. I no longer have anything to say. I've run dry of ideas. So I guess this is the end. A good-bye to a world i don't even know exists. It was fun for a short time but now my mind is angry with me. I have fallen in too deep of a love and it is no longer safe. I need to leave now. So this is it good-bye to the world I have never known. I hope I helped someone.

Trying

Run away and don't look back.
Keep moving and never turn
Go straight across the world
To a place where you can't be found

Who Am I?

Sometimes I wish I has a mommy to coddle me
Sometimes I wish I had a daddy to spoil me
Sometimes I wish I had a family that never falls apart
Sometimes I wish I wasn't me
My wishes never seem to come true
And I'm stuck running from everything I am
Everything I do and have is not what I want
I need a second chance to redo it all
I can no longer control myself
Maybe I am insane
But no matter what I need help
I have no clue what you want to see
I keep trying and it's not working for me
Honestly I don't know who or what I am
The only time me comes out is when I am writing
She breaks free
At night when I'm sitting alone crying
She is disappointed in what I have done to her
I do not blame her
Who the hell am I?
Where have I gone?
Someone please, help me....

Wasted

Wasted time and wasted moments
What I have come to know
If there is no reason
Then it is thrown away
If there is no reason
Then why do I stay
pacing this empty house mumbling to myself
waiting, just waiting for something to happen
Sitting on this broken couch
Taken over by dust and time
Watching the sunset as it too is eaten in the moment
Soon it is gone, much too fast
I am wasting time hoping for a miracle
All can hope for now is a door to open
Something to let me through and find time
Find time to replace all my wasted moments
Find a reason to hold on to what I have
To live every moment in pure bliss
Please give me a reasons to find a stairway to something better
Give me a reason to climb through this open window and run for the sun
Run for it and not let it go because that will keep you here
Please someone if you hear em give me a reason
There is no point in sitting in a town that has beaten me down
In a town where every house knows me
Where every house avoids my presence for it will grow old and empty
Like the one I sit in now
Wishing the darkness would not leave me
Looking at the stars wishing I could touch them
Just feel the beauty they could bring me
Beauty that can help me find a purpose
I just want a reason to hold the night sky with me
A reason to not let it pass because it passing would mean you would have to leave
I need a reason to lay in the grass and lay my head on your chest
I need a reason to feel warmth
I just need a reason
Not empty wasted time
Not pointless moments that bring me nothing but tears
But then again feeling this pain means I have a heart
It gives me hope for something better
Even fi truth is, I no longer believe I will find a reason
So I sit here watching the sun rise
Wishing he was next to me
Holding me tight telling me this is the first of many
The first of the rest of our lives
I get up and walk out the front door
I look to the sky praying to a god that never listens
To help me find a reason

Open Door

When you leave,please close the door
I don't want you here anymore
Tell me, oh please tell me, you will love me more
Hold my hand and don't let go
As I clutch an old photograph
I can not help but laugh
All those times we played silly games
As you chased me through the hall and I called your name
Now all I can utter is a deep sigh
A lonely cry because I miss you so
And I know there is no way I can get through this
Because life without you is nothing at all
Sitting here alone
I can hear the wind howl
It feels my pain
It is alone with nothing to hold on too
It keeps moving like a rolling stone
It is like me with no purpose
It just wants to hold on but nothing lasts forever
When you leave please close the door
I'll whisper for you to stay
But honestly, I can't do it this way
All this pain, all these lies
They tear me apart inside
You have become a stranger in my mind
But my heart holds on to the fond memories
The few things I remember
it has been a minutes since you left
Yet here I am already broken
Feeling nothing but the wind pushing me aside
Now as I watch the sky
I realize this is a wasted sunset
Because without you all time is wasted
Life has no purpose
Here I sit
Wishing you hadn't left the door open
Because now I hope you will come back
30 years have gone by and I sit staring at the open door
Still hoping you will walk through
Chase me down the hall calling my name
As I scream with joy
That you have returned
Many years and I haven't moved
many years and here I am
Waiting...
Return to me
I will wait forever by the window
Talking to the wind asking him
to bring you my way

Writing

It is my handhold on life
What keeps me going at night
Without it I would die
Maybe not outside
But inside I would be nothing
I would rot away
As my brain gradually decayed
There would be nothing to grasp my soul
Nothing to tell me, there is more
Nothing to help me get through the darkness
Nothing to keep the light
Without it I would disappear
Slowly fading into my despair
With not outlet, no way to let go
I would have ntohing to fall back on
Without it I would have no place to go
It is my life
Without it there is no existence
It lifts my feet off the ground
Holds my body tight
And let's me know that even if now all the world is laughing, everything will eb all right
I will never give it up
Even if the world hates it
Because, to me it is everything
And I need it.

Voice Your Promise

It's funny earlier today I would have given anything to die
Now all I want is to fly
I want to soar the open sky
I want to hear your cry
I want to catch every tear and save them
So the world knows a tear is never wasted
I thank a spirit I am a live
I am grateful to be awake, eyes wide open
Make me a promise you will not hurt yourself
I have never broken a promise to you
So please do the same for me
I am going to count every promise
I want a promise of life
If you throw it away you will break my heart
Please promise me, don't take away my last piece of sanity
He made me his promise
I want to fix him for the person i lost
No one, please I beg the world, no one run from me
I have lost a million to many
Now I suffer for decisions that were not my own
I'll be at your door arms wide open
Ready to embrace you when you need me
Think of me and I'll be there
I am never far away
I promise I'm still here
You're never alone
Even if I were to die
Murdered in cold blood
My spirit would hold you at night
It would sing you to sleep
Here I am
The world better prepare
For someone who is never giving up
Even if the pain is unbearable
I never plan to leave the world
So voice your promise to stand with me
So we can let the rest of the population know
They are not alone
Voice your promise to hold my hand
Because then you as well as everyone will always have
Something to hold on to
When you feel
You are
Slipping
Away

Don't Let Go

The world has broken me down
They have pushed me over
Stomped on me
Pointed and laughed
Screamed their stupid jokes
So let me tell you something
Next time you feel alone
Picture me next to you
Grab my hand and walk on through
The world will not dare harm you
As long as you got me
I promise
Just picture me and I'll hold you tight
I'll fight away the demons of the night
Fingers entwined
Your heart in mine
There is no one who can break us
When we have each other
So next time you want to end it
Next time you're holding that knife
Think of me
And how you can not hold my hand and the knife
At the same time
I will not make you choose but don't forget
You made a promise to hold my hand
Fine, I'll stand back and wait until you're done
I'll treat your wounds and kiss them clean
But do not forget
You can't hold my hand and the knife
I will be hurt but I'll get over it
But please, don't let me go
And I'll fight for your life
I will keep a smile on your lips
If you just hold me tight

Say Good Bye

I found a reason
I take a step closer
The wind bites at my skin
The rain embraces my skin
The sun shines through the clouds
Embracing my heart
I feel the edge draw nearer
Now without fear
I leap into the darkness
Not knowing how I got here
I curl up and cry
For I have left my heaven
Fear has taken over me
Pain in every pore
But I won't give in
No
Not again
Though I wish I succeeded
On the fist time in
Now I am stuck.
Hoping I can help
Before temptation
Takes over my soul again

Not sure how much longer I can go on.

Is there a time when we know it's time to let go? Who's to say ere isn't? I'm still living, I'm still breathing. Do I want to? Well that's up to me to decide, sadly. The answer is no, life interests me no longer. This is why I have no freedom to choose, because people trust me not. Yet, thwere is no one here trying to stop me. No one at all...

We are not supposed to care what others think
But we are not to be ignorant
We must shine above the rest
But not be arrogant
We must love ourselves but not be conceited
We must abide by the rules
But because of our age
We must be rebellious
We are to never put another person down
But when taken down
We are expected to walk on
And ignore it
We must not talk back or hit another
When in need of self defense we are to ask for help
Yet when we ask for help we are told not to be so weak
Honestly what do you want form me?
These guidelines, nay these rules, have become impossible
This little test you are imposing upon us
Has become impassable
There is no way for us to win
Only a way to be proven wrong
We may not cut or take our lives
For that is wrong
Yet many are told they make peoples lives harder
Think about it, does this seem fair
Because many people go through this each day
Open your eyes to these laws
The harsh punishments
The things unavoidable
The items that cause us to curl up and cry
And cause many to take their own life
Is it fair?
Give us a chance to grow and learn
Without harming us, or our confidence
For then none of us will have reason to harm another

I'm attempting to ignore it
Trying o not care what others think of me
But that is very difficult when no even I want to speak to myself
It is hard to know what I am doing wrong
I no longer know
How long this can go on

Simple Me

Is anybody out there?
Or am I talking to myself?
Is anybody hangin' on?
Or am I foolin' myself?
Does anybody even care?
Or am I a simpleton to even believe so?
I feel as if I am deceiving myself
Pulling myself into believing
That I, a simple, young, lonely girl
Can truly make a difference
When really I doubt anyone listens
Every time I cry I doubt someone wants to catch my tears
When I scream there is no one to hear me
When I write there is no one to waste their breath
On reading every line
Why I go on I have no clue
I feel I should give up
Run away and never look back again
But I can not, will not
This is the last thing gripping my long gone sanity
Funny how I could believe
Someone as stupid as me
Could make a difference
Man, why I try I don't know
I feel I should just walk away
Take what I can
And forget this ever existed.
But, I can't.

There is nothing special about who I am, what I do, how I speak. Nothing. I have been through pain. I have felt all there is, I have experience at a young age. Life for me is never really easy. Write about your joys and specialties. We all have something to offer. It may be later so do not leave without your beautiful contribution.

I Am Perfect

So I have acne, I cry a lot, I'm emotional, I hate my life, my hair is always frizzy, I'm too skinny, I'm short, I'm loud, I can't always control myself, I'm constantly tired, I cut, and I'm lazy. I hate people, I'm depressed, I want to run away and I always mess things up. I'm a klutz and awkward. I'm imperfectly perfect. I have many flaws. Every aspect of me is a flaw and if you don't like it I don't care. I love myself and who I have slowly become. If you don't get out of my life. I am sick of feeling like I have to change part of me to impress others. I don't need make-up or nail polish to be beautiful. I don't need to hairspray my hair crunchy and frizz less. I can be natural and beautiful with all that I am. I may be too skinny but to me it's beautiful because I am who I am, and no one can ever change that. You are who you are. Wear as much make-up as you want. Laugh that fake giggle. Crawl all over boys and leave your friends behind. I will never follow in your footsteps. So back down and run away, I am here to stay. I will penetrate these walls of people telling me I am not good enough. In my eyes I am perfect and later you will all see that. Okay so you have people all over you now? What happens when in the future I am successful with a perfect life because I didn't cheat and hurt everyone I know and you are crying? Do not expect me to be there because I will have long ago flown away. This is my life and I'm going to start living it. This is my life, and I am damn please with it. I love every one of my flaws. i no longer care if I have no perfections. I am me.

Playing

Playing on the edge of the world
Controlling all those below
A stage unravels below me
A theater builds up around me
Playing on the edge of the world
I control this little place
As I point it happens
I control the feelings
No one may ever tell me no
For if they do, they feel the cold shatter of my heart
Exploding into a million pieces
Taking over them
From inside out
Its a growing pain
Chilling from the spine
A horrible death
Do not deny me what I want
Or I will deny you the right and torture of living
For here living is not real
We all are not a live
The edge of the world is our stage
For we are no longer real
Just a bunch of broken souls
Confused as to whether they should run or not
Broken souls who have no one
But the stage where they play
A person less broken
Then their abandoned hollowed forms

Holding On

I won't, I can't
I refuse to let go.
The abuse, so emotional, is taking over
The loneliness, a fear to leave my room
In case someone tells me to leave
Because I will just fall apart and cry
Grab a knife and run it across my skin
But, no, I won't let go
Walking along the edge of the cliff
Speaking silently to God
Asking why, why are you laughing?
It hurts.
Wondering if when she was trying to escape
She thought of running from me
Alone in my own world
Feel of being rejected by all
Playing with the options of my knife
But, no, I won't jump
Grasping the edge of the cliff
Looking down at the steep descend
How did I end up here?
Why is there no one helping me out?
Only people at the top laughing
Jeering, daring me to let go
My family didn't show up to my last day
My friends are non-existent
God is silently dancing
The Devil is whimpering
He does not want to be stuck with me
For I have sinned
God is free
I can't do it
I am letting go
But, no, I refuse to slip free
I'll show them all for laughing
I will defeat them
But, no, I can not stay...

Sometimes I am...

Over emotional, hurt, sad, broken, giggly, silly, nostalgic, talkative, courageous, afraid, crying, screaming, in pain, cutting, confused, lost, gone, exhausted, tired, sick, insane, delusional....
Sometimes I am too many things to name
But all the time
I am somebody, who needs somebody
To be a somebody,
in my book
I am always looking for somebody
to try for somebody
And never leave them alone
I am somebody, even if you don't think so
I am a bit depressed
Occasionally I bring others down
But, if you stick by me
I promise in the end
It'll be worth your while
Because I will always stand for you
No matter what...

Broken Mirrors

Look in a mirror and what do you see?
Have you been deceived?
Pray you don't see someone like me
So broken and damned to an eternity
An eternity of broken pains
Afraid to look away for even a second
Fear to lose track of who you are
So difficult to know if this is okay
If the next blow will hurt
If you can walk away from the mirror and pain
Take the knife to it to your wrist and not push it in
play with the flame and not swallow it whole
So difficult to know, if the next step is to stay or go
Break the mirror, walking free
I no longer care how the world sees me
the pain feels good, the warm blood, trickling down my arm
Open my eyes and see this scar will never leave me
Oh god, what have I done
I am so afraid, how do they see me?
Will the accept my plea?
My plea of forgiveness
For looking a mess
I fear so much that I am clueless
I regret it, the scars need to fade
The mirror needs to be repaired
The blood needs to dry
The pain is a necessity
A part of me
I hope they accept me
Fake as can be
Not longer showing how I am
I hope they love
The new plastic me
Though she fades each night
Sometimes the old one shines through
Broken and damned
Fading into the stage
I love her, she loves me
But it can not be
If I want to be a part of the world

Never..

You know... People may think I'm insane because i write this and NO ONE reads it. But honestly, this is for me. If someones sad, I'll share it but to know I can just let it out every once in a while makes me happy. So go on, judge me. Think I'm a loser because I enjoy writing. I think it's important to post. Maybe someone I don't know about out there, depends on me. So I will never, ever give up on this. I may take a while to post, but I will always be here. Forever and a day, just in case that one day saves you.

Give A Smile, Get A Smile

I write so no one will forget me. If people look back when I am gone they will see, that I had just one enemy. My mind. I want people to realize there was something they could do. I want them to look for it in the future and help those in need and those in pain. Because whether anyone believes it or not, people may think someone wants to take their own life but they are too afraid to confront them. That friend who is always your shoulder may need some help. If they never open up something may be wrong. Help them, even if it is out of your way. Though you may not believe it, everyone is hiding something that brings them pain. So when I am gone, see if the way my insanity ate me, is the way it is eating someone you know. It may not always be obvious. Hang in there.

Patterns

Those days everything is fine
Those days life is falling apart
They follow each other, come hand in hand
And make my mind, buzz with wonder
One day I am ready to leave, end it, while I still can
The next I am finding something, someone to live for
Again, I will give up and give in to the pain
No matter what, I always know, there is a hurt inside my soul
It never vanquishes, never vanishes
It is my only childhood friend
I have known it for so long, it has become normal
To give in has become habitual
I have no will to go on, because I feel I don't belong
What am I to do?
I have no clue, where this black hole has come from
But it will not leave and it's slowly eating away at me
Sanity let me be, so long ago
I have no one to turn to
The only thing that has never left me
Is this pattern
Of hurt that will not let me be

Years Passing

She sits in a field of worry
Wondering and hoping they haven't found her, for she is tired of running
Worn down by the years, now so weak and pale
A fear to sleep for she may see him
A want to be free
The breeze ruffles around her
She is fully aware of the man standing over her
Years have changed and shaped him so
A lifetime since they have last spoken
An anger flows though his veins
Seconds have passed that feel like an eternity
Her soul is long gone, and her limp lifeless body lay still

He stands over her covered in a warm, fresh crimson proof

He sheds one tear for that is all her worth
Now, she must face her fear of the nightmare
The future she'd been dreading since she left
A future undeniable
She got what she needed
He got what he wanted
To him she was dead
But only she knew she was free

Of the guilt of that one summers day

When she was forced to flee

Just Listen

Amazing how much it takes to make a person listen. Well you can listen now and prove me wrong. Open your eyes and pay attention. Even when all things are going wrong there is so much hope, so much time. Never let yourself or anyone go, for you will not get them back. Your heart does not always know best, but it knows the worst. It knows the worst pain and how hard it is to go on. Your mind knows what will pull you through. So listen while you can. You never know who's suffering. Look for that person all alone. No one ever deserves to be alone. I may not be dead but that doesn't mean you can't listen. When someone is dead it's too late. They were strong but their heart was weak. Broken and bashed. So just listen when you get the chance. When things get rough just listen to the music. When life's going good, keep it up and bring others in. It's time to make a change and make sure no one dies young. Spread the love and the rainbow. Bring your sun to their rain and create beauty. Today is the day. No more tomorrow. Tomorrow will be too late. Some of us have been there and that is why we can help. Some of us are there and no one can tell. So from one broken heart to another, try your best to keep us from slipping.

If I Die Young

If I die young, set me free
Bury me in the pouring rain
Bury me when the sun is half shining
Under the most beautiful rainbow

Never forget all I wanted to be
Send me away with an ounce of hope
Send me away with a dream of never returning again
I've had just enough time
To know forever is never long enough

I have seen the world
The people who care and the ones who are alone
I'll sell my thoughts to you for your soul
See how hollow you are
you'll see the ones who suffer

If I die young I've had enough time to open your eyes

If I die young, set me free
Bury me in the pouring rain
Bury me when the sun is half shining
Under the most beautiful rainbow

Never forget all I wanted to be
Send me away with an ounce of hope
Send me away with a dream of never returning again
I've had just enough time
To know forever is never long enough

Forever is treating me bad
It's not lasting long enough for me to see
All that I can be
Hopefully I can open your eyes
And make you listen
It took you this long to her me
When I'm dead you'll have no choice but to be
All that I want and used to see
The only way to get you to listen
Was to disappear in the ocean
Forever wasn't long enough

Never forget all I wanted to be
Send me away with an ounce of hope
Send me away with a dream of never returning again
I've had just enough time
To know forever is never long enough

Never never long enough

Why?

I ask myself and I have asked others.
No matter what answer I get.
Tis never legit.
I still wonder..
Why?
Why do you need him to make you happy?
Why?
Are friendships not enough?
Why?
Has it become relationships before friends?
Why?
Do I always find myself in this situation?
What?
Shall I do?
I am constantly wondering, pondering and considering.
Why?

Parting

Times are changing
Life is changing
Everyone is moving on
But I'm still stuck in the here and now
Soon we'll be parting and I am scared
I can not run from the past
there is no way I will forget all my friends
I can not forget all those who have helped me learn so much
I can not forget all the tears that got me through this year
All the endless nights spend laughing and gossiping
All the obstacles we overcame
Now all of this is spiraling down
Falling all around
I see into the past and realize
the time to grow up is now
It is time to be strong as we part
I may leave you with a few tears but what I will always remember
Is all the happy moments we shared
What a great few years
Every time we settle down things are thrown at us
Together we'll make it through the night
Another memory to help us through life
Tonight we will love as we never have before
Cry as though we've never been hurt
Laugh like these are the last moments
And live in the moment
Remember all that has happened
It is you I will miss
Thank you for the lessons
I appreciate the pain
This is not yet the end
We have for ever and a day
Let's not forget, those who have been there
We may be parting but together we will always live
In our hearts

Let's play

I'm sick of seeming weak. I am super girl and stronger than anyone knows. I have been through so much. So fine, set upon me a decree of not sharing how I feel with anyone. I can take it. I'm stronger than you know. I have been through things people do not even know. I'm am sad for reasons unjustified. Things others fear. I, yes I, do not fear anything. Fear is but a trick of the mind. Sadness is a way to keep us down. Insanity is a name meant to scare people away. We're all insane and those of us who refuse to smile are the most mentally unstable. In this game, I will pretend you belittling my feelings and wants does not hurt. I will smile and ask you for favors. Ask you about your days. pretend all is okay. When really I want to fly away. It's hot in here and I feel dizzy. To me it means more because I am leaving. Everyone is leaving. It is not the occasion it is the idea. The reason. What will happen next. This time, it's permanent. Let's play that all is okay.

Dear Stranger.

Dear Stranger,
Did you know I love you? But, I do not know who you are. I created this image. This image I wished you could be and I pretended that's how you were. Now I'm stuck on this image. It's not you I love. It's the idea of you. The idea of us. But, it's all wrong. I hope I will forget you. I can't get oer you. Not even the real you. I keep hoping I'm wrong and that everything will be okay. I keep hoping you will start to love me. I keep hoping all of this was a mistake. I'm sorry I made things so difficult. I just can't get over you. I hope we can be friends. And maybe this history will keep us together. Something we share. A little mystery behind us that no one really remembers. You deserve her. You really do. She's so much better than me. I deserve nothing. Prince charming doesn't exist. Only for her. She's beautiful and a great girl and friends. I hope you last forever. Most of all please never forget me because you left a mark on my heart. A huge scar. Well you must have because there's no way it can be put back together. It's still broken. Maybe stranger, we will meet in the future. Never forget me. I am always here for you. No matter what. I didn't mean to mess up.
Love,
Always, for ever and a day,
Your truly,
Super Girl

Hello?

Hello is anybody out there? Hello?
Does anybody care? Hello?
I am so scared. What will happen next?
I have a plan. Lets play pretend
Lets play pretend that everything is okay.
That no one hurt us.
Lets play pretend that the world isn't ending.
Fine don't play along. Looks like I'm on my own.
Need a short break.
I don't even know what's wrong. But the tears won't stop.
Well they stopped. I ran out. Not I feel hollow
I heave. It's hard to breath.
I am sad. So distant. So lost.
I am.
Going to get lost. In another world. A portal to something better
I am. So scared I will leave with things as they are.
I do not like to seem weak.
But I am feeble and frail.
I am not capable of all the things piled upon me.
It will be our secret. That I
I am truly not okay.
I. Yes I. Strong little warrior.
I super girl. Am in fact not over him.
And I warrior girl. Ferocious as I am
Can not wait to escape this hell...

Is she me?

This girl who can not stop crying
This girl who is looking back at me
Who is she?
I see her but I can not tell if she is beautiful
She is so different
She looks at me with painful eyes
Something that screams "help me"
She needs someone
But refuses to take my hand, I think she is waiting
She seems so mad
So done with everything
Who is she?
Why does she look so scared?
She trusts no one
Now I see
She is alone and refuses help from those who love her
She's pretty dumb if you ask me
Her hair looks so bright
And as if she ran her hands through it
Way to many times out of frustration
Her eyes are wet from crying
Her lips red small but when she smiles
Very rarely does she smile
They become big and beautiful
I can not tell if she is beautiful
There is a barrier between us
It is...
A mirror?
Is she me?
Now I fear.. I do not eve know
How I feel.

A Moment

There is a moment in time when we fall in love
When we choose the wonderful friends
When we choose the bad friends
A moment, when we realize who the true friends are
A moment when we are left and broken
There is a moment in time when we want to die
When someone takes joy in our pain
When someone stops caring
A moment when you realize how nasty someone is
A moment when you realize you can't stop loving them
There is a moment in time when we are helpless
When people don't pick us up
When we only want one person to come around
A moment when we lie to ourselves
A moment where all hope is gone
There is a moment in time when we cease to dream
When the dreams come back, a miracle has happened
When they leave again
A moment when we are done
A moment when we want to run away
There is a moment in time when I realized I can't forget you
When I realized I'm leaving and you're done with me
When I realized you have forgotten me
A moment when I ran out of tears '
A moment when I missed you
At this moment, I once again, wish I ran when I had the chance
Died when I had the guts
Loved you in that moment
Never let you leave
A moment when I can't stop remembering
When I know you want to cause me pain yet I can't stop it
I know you don't care but I still do
I just keep lying that I don't
A moment is now that I know I love you

Different

I may be a little strange
A little off and a little weird
I may be the biggest freak
They may find me to be too weird for the freak show
Some may even run screaming
I would rather be me, then something else any day
Even if it means I'm different
I do not want to be like you or any of the others
Fake faces, fake smiles
Easy and boring
Mean and such liars
Gossipers and backstabbers
Fake friends
I don't want to be
someone who lies
turns others against people who don't approve of all they do
Choose temporary over forever
Dicks before chicks instead of chicks before dicks
Don't care about anyone but themselves
Take j0y in making others cry
I want to be all that I am
All that I was
Just plain old boring me
Spacey, somewhere else, classic and happy
Happy
I want to be me
Not you, not her not him
I may want what they have, but I will have what I do
I will love all that I do
I will, I will be me
Even if that means
I am different
Even if it means
Nobody ever loves me
Different is how I truly am

The Moment

I am so weak and so different
I have no will to live in the moment
Only because, the moment
Yes, the moment, it hurts
I can not even believe all that has happened
My mind has yet to accept it
I can not believe my time to shine has already passed
I can not believe my "friend" hurt me so
I can not believe my "friend" played me so
I can barely believe those who love me, the noes I need
Yes, I can barely believe they are there
I can see very little
I feel I may be happy but only when these thoughts can not reach me
I am sad without the happy
I am angry without the screams
I need to free my voice and yell just yell
I never got to, let it all go
I never got to growl at the top of my lungs
Yell that they are wrong
Screech that its not fair
I need to soon or I may fall
Fall so low
Fall apart
Not fall forever
Forever is better
But instead splat
And fall
Fall apart once more
The moment, it's scaring me
The moment, it's scarring me

My home

When I climb onto a stage, the world fades away
When we're up there together smiling and laughing
The world fades away
When is start to dance, the world fades away
Everywhere else I fall, on the stage I fly, the world fades away
My second home makes the world fade away
Suddenly I do not need to find myself, I need to be another
Easier to depict something I do not need to believe is a lie
But instead another side
The stage, makes me feel at home
The world fades away
Everything is finally okay.
Forget the hurt, broken smiles and all the tears
The world fades away
2 days and it is over, but now the world fades away
Spotlight comes on as I am pushed on stage
Suddenly I hear my vice echo through the room
Singing my heart out
It's over and they holler for me
For me.
The world fades away
Up there you know it's about me
Everyone can see me
No longer invisible
The stage is my home, it has a gift
It makes the world, it makes the world, fade, fade away

Rebuild

Did no body see?
Did no body care?
As I sat there and cried
Sat there alone
No one came over to ask if I'm okay
That would have made my day
To now someone is there
I was alone
They were together
Lost in my music, dreaming it was me with him
Dreaming we were all smiling
Dreaming we were friends once more
So lost in my dreams I forgot to live life
Now I try to live and I do not know how
No way to be able to
What to do? What. To. Do...
How does one live when they are broken?
How does one live when they can barely move?
No energy to put forth into anything.
I look like a fool
Dragging her feet
Only truly happy when she leaves this world into the dreams
Into the music
The old love and laughter
Hoping for the new life to begin
Good-bye old and hello new?
It's not so easy to do.
As it is to say
Maybe I will save this choice for another day.
Hello? Am I still here?
Can anyone here me?
My voice... it's gone...
Feels like.. I am alone
Hello? Am I still a live?
Hello love laughter and life?
Hello dreams I once shared?
Hello shine I used to pass around?
Are any of you there for me?
Seems like I am drifting on my own.
Treading water holding for life.
Take me away to the sands of the beach
Where I forget it all
Alone. As I am.
To rebuild, what I never truly had.
To rebuild, what I was fooled into thinking.

Give up?

What is wrong with me? Why can I not give up? This is ruling my life and I can't let go. It's so obvious it matters to no one else. Yet to me it's everything. I need some help, yet no one is here to give it. I need some guidance but from who? Who can say all the right things? What I really need is things to go back to the way they should be. I want to be happy. The way I was when we were together. The way everyone was back then. I want it back. I want to be happy. I want everyone to be happy. No more sadness or anger. No more deceit or fights. No more betrayal. Only smiles living, laughing, dreams and believing. Shining and loving. Everything we need but can no longer find. I want it all back. Should I just give up now? Give in? Leave here forever. The day is nearing. I'm so lost as to what to do. No one seems to want to solve it. It starts here with me doesn't It? But I can't do it alone...

Forget

I just wanna tell you how I really feel. How much I hate you and wonder how you're real. Everything from that time you just seemed to forget. Those times they curse me like the black plague. I am so sick and tired of being the exception. They say they care and that they just need something for themselves to be happy. Funny, everything that makes them happy kills me. Every time it's someone over me. I want to be chosen and be held and loved. I want to be seen. Don't say I'm not invisible because I never meant enough for you to fix anything. I need someone to just tell me all the right things and tell me what to do. I need to be happy. You say I don't care about you yet I said I'd die without you. Why believe me? Right. Why care and think that maybe I'm not a terrible person. I'm so sorry I want to be happy. I'm so sorry I thought there were some rules, some way that things were. I was oh so wrong. Forget it. Forget me. How I feel. My happiness. Never mattered. Never has. Never will. I'm easy to forget do not worry. Move on I'll break all by myself. No one asks whats wrong or cares anyway. I'll be fine. What ever that is. I still really want need and miss you all. But forget me. Just remember that I never really mattered. As scared that I am that you really will forget me and that I never mattered, I'm taking the risk. Let's see if you'll miss me.

Him and Me What I need

Did I love you to much? Was I not enough? I thought and dreamt about you every night. Had those moments when I realized I needed you and missed you. Had those times when I missed your smell and your embrace. Loved those moments when we held hands the world seemed to disappear. All I wanted to do was smile and laugh when I was with you. Hugging you took me to another planet and I felt so safe. With you my whole life, every trouble and every tear I'd ever cried didn't seem to matter. With you life felt so perfect and I floated on air. I would not let anyone be sad because I felt so happy. I just wanted to sleep in your arms. Loved to see you smile. I was more fun and my friends seemed to love me. I meant every loving word. I fell for you. Now, I know you didn't mean any of it. You just stumbled and walked along. I'm here still fallen with a broken everything including heart. Waiting for you to come back and notice me. You see so many other girls perfection in the moment. I wish you just saw how you need me. I long to be everything perfect for you. Stop seeing through me. I've been here the whole time. The right girl. It should be me with you. Should be me making you smile. It should be me crying in your arms when people make me sad. IT should be me making you go mad because of your love. It should be me yet it can't be. All because you no long see me. I need you. I want you. I miss you. I've always been here. I always will be. But I won't wait for your love forever. Please hurry. Before I fall apart and die. Hearts already broken. You are my last hope to be fixed. See that I am the one who is everything right for you and she is only temporary. She is not true. She wasn't here for me. You and me forever, Her and me for as long as we live. You and me til the day we die plus all our time. Please see me. I know. I was just a patch of dirt on your yellow brick road to happiness. But this patch needs your help. I need to be happy again and only you have that power. Believe it or not. I love you farther then to a million galaxies and universes and back. Can you try to love me? We were meant to be. Tired of being heartbroken. The stars are waiting for you to see me.

Questions..

What happens when every second of everyday you want to cry?
When the thing that makes you broken is the thing you need?
When forever turns to never?
And love is a one way street?
When you were hoping they care, and you realize your dumb?
What did you expect? Love?
I did, funny ain't it?
Why can he not see me?
Why does she deceive me?
There are so many things I want to be, do you really think she will?
She is tricking you, why can you not see?
Look into my eyes, will you tell me you love me?
Why can't you see me?
Why can't you love me?

Erase

I wish I could take back every kiss and every hug
Forget the time you first walked by
The friendship we shared
I wish I could erase you from everything
I wish I could take back every time we held hands and the world disappeared
Take back all those times I got lost in your eyes
Take back the hurt I may have caused you
Forget the pain you caused me
Leave the love I have for you behind and start new
Remember now I shouldn't love you
Forget how it feels to be held by you when I really want to cry
The silent understanding
How I was only truly happy with you
When you left I wanted to die
I want to erase it all
Yet somehow I can't
How you smell and when I took your sweatshirt
Somehow I knew you'd forget me
I'm not much to remember
I thought I could make you fall for me
It started to work
You left for a week again
Came back and I was gone
I was dwelling on the love I had for you
You were runnin' around avoiding me
Can't look me in the eyes
I long to be held by you once more as long as you never let go
All these things I want to be
Need to stop thinking about how I love you..
Must let go..
Wish I could erase it all
Said good-bye to the one you left me for
She left me too
I stand alone lovin' you
Feelin' alone
I lost the game.
I ended with a wanting to take it all back
To be less exposed
But, no matter what, I love you and it may never change
I opened up to you and now you're breaking me
Stop saying you care
Stop making me fall, I am a klutz
I need you
Do not forget me
She will never be what I long to...

In the end, I still want, love, miss and need you, but most of all

Darling I miss what we had.

Him and Her

I see how he holds her, and wants her, I see how she wants someone else. He is blinded. She is lying. I see how she looks at another. A smile and love in her eyes.I see how he is without her. My best friend. Thought I made him forget her, but he ran from me for her. I need him, look at him with a longing. She's really not a good person. But, he can't see. She has him fooled with a fake pity and sad. She is okay. Not me. I'm not. I can fake a laugh. With him, I can smile for real. But, each day he makes me love him more. Thought I was healin', thought I would be all right. Now I don't even know what that means. I can love him more than her. I can be there, I understand. She is nothing. She left me, alone, pretended to care. I see now she doesn't. Good-byes are always hard. But with him I refuse to let go. We've said it too many times. I swear we will be together forever, even if it is, only in my world.

Leave

Friends come first. Family. In the lead. I could never do to her what you did to me. You say you care, but you can't fix it? Please.. Stop lying, I hate it. You just don't want to. Friends mean more. Somehow everything you say seems to be a lie. Never should have trusted you. Should have run when I had the chance. Should have left when I had the guts and time.. Now I'm stuck here to endure more pain and suffering. Stuck here while people try to find me help. No one can help me now... No one... I will go. Eventually by my own choice. Someone who i don't even know, all I know is I love them, controls my life. But I, I will control my death. It is my dream and I believe it. Have faith in it... No one... No one can help me now..

Worthless

On an island, isolated by my hearts screams
Why must good-byes be so difficult?
Why can't you see, this is not the way I want it to be
I just believe this is what you want, what you need
Trust me, I am no good for you
In all honesty, I believe the world is better off without me
But there just may be some who need
Someone to be there and that shall be I
I just am so lost in a never ending rain forest
Fine by me, this way no one can see me cry
Not even I can feel the tears trickle down
I am so numb I have nothing to show, no energy to use
For me I feel it is over
I have no more tears to cry, no more reasons to smile
I want to be taken away, someone relieve me of this pain
I long to, need to be, yearn to be okay
What ever that means it is what I want
Because, right now I am crying and dying inside
I said good-bye to one, there are many more it may be time to leave
I believe anyone can be better than me
When I look in a mirror I see an ugly girl, stupid girl hurtful girl
I hurt people, too much, I may never be beautiful, if I ever am
I swear I will take it away, for I do not deserve it
I am not here to impress, I shouldn't be here at all
Just another night to cry
Just another night to yearn to fly
To die, to leave this cold, stupid world
I am, I feel, no matter what anyone says, so alone
Except when I talk to you, my darling...
You keep me here now, you have the hold
I am oh so worthless
Help. I need help. What ever that is.
Take me away to an island
My sweet escape.

Gone

I hear the boisterous waves all around
I feel their anger crash down, I have given them relief
Down here, the pieces of my broken heart seem to float
They run away from me, is this the way it should be?
Down here, no one can see me cry, not even I
I can not tell what is real
I can not tell what I feel
I truly am alone, no one can ever understand all my hurt
There is no happy ending to my fairy tale
Only a shattered heart, tears, depression, and too many lost years
Everybody wants to be chased yet I am done running
Sick of being the one who must fight, being alone in the end
I can not seem to win, so I give up, I give in
I shall ask, "Do you want me to win?"
Do not spare my feelings, tell me only what I need to know
Pure and true honesty will pull us through
I lat at the bottom of the ocean
I hear only the sound of frustrated waves and muffled cries
Feeling so free, only my mind and me
What will I miss? Is it too late? I am already gone..

Fading

When blue skies fade to gray
And you laugh at me that way
When everything falls apart
Just because of a shattered heart
When we all want to disappear
Because we know these were wasted years
We wish we never met you
I do not know what to do
I know I shouldn't chase you
And I will not, can not do this anymore
Catch me if you can, I'm running now
Catch me if you care, I will be gone soon
Catch me, Catch me, because I need you
No matter what you do
You are a part of my heart
Many miles make no difference
How close we are with our minds is all that matters
You try to meet me, but I'm pushing you away
Can not do this for another day
Time is not healing my lives pain
I can no longer live like this
Take me away, you are my last hold on life
Who are you my darling? Why don't you let me go?

Where I Long To Be

On a beach, sand in my hair, sun on my back
Water pushing on my body
Cold to the touch but oh, so silky
Help me, oh please, help me

A retreat in my mind
The ocean seems to eat me
How I long to run here
No one can see me, invisible here, how I long to be
Run away from pain and life
How wonderful this can be
Help me, oh please, help me

I can keep swimming, I may do as I please
All alone on this island, my mind and me
Silenced my hearts cry, for the view, is breath taking
So beautiful it could make you fall in love
Just think, all this is mine
My escape, no one may trespass
I am not safe inside my mind
Help me, oh please, help me

A week away, even a day
I just need to see my autocasm
Even once would be magnificent
Long to see the beautiful twinkling, blue ocean
Lay in the soft, warm sand
The sun will smile at me once more
Please take me there
Give me a break
Let me be alone
I need to see my escape
Help me, oh please, help me

Take me there now, today, so I shall no longer suffer
I will not miss much
But I need this so I may be happy
For the first time
Take me there
I really wish to go
I just need a break
Help me, oh please, help me

See Me

You are the only one
Who brightens up my day
My own little sun
now every sweet thing you say
Every little word
Makes me want to cry
They all seem so absurd
Sweet, mean everything in between
You broke my heart
Not in two
But into dust
I need someone to repair it
But only you can
I need to remember you love her not me
Yet you confuse me
Tell me what you want me to be
I can't let go of you
So many other fish in the sea
But you are the only one for me
I can't let go even though i know I should
Just a boy?
Yes I know
But he's the boy for me
I just need you to be in my dreams
I need all the hope and faith
I need you to believe you love me
Forget her see me
I'm more then she could ever be
No one will love you
no one will care for you
As much as I do
I am the one for you
Baby, please see me
Cause I can't get over you
I can't see you or I will cry
Find me in the dark
baby see me for I can no longer see you

Me

A little bit about me... I've had a pretty hard life. Been abused, never really been happy and now I'm just waiting to move away and start a new life. I'm hoping I'll be happy then. Depressed is how I am. I adore writing and it helps me move to different lands so I hope you enjoy my writing as much as I do. Just recently got my heart broken and now I seem to be breaking my own heart. It hurts. So I'm very down. Enjoy my everything. Random blurbs, thoughts, stories and poems. Everything. Enjoy(: